Understanding Emergent Love: Stop Falling in Love and Start Building Love
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love” — Tom Robbins
If you've ever wondered why the butterflies fade, why passionate love seems to cool over time, or why so many relationships that start with fireworks end in disappointment, you're not alone. After working with couples for over two decades across more than 40 countries, Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh has discovered something profound: we've been thinking about love all wrong.
In her groundbreaking TED talk and book Love by Design, Dr. Nasserzadeh introduces the Emergent Love Model, which redefines love as a dynamic outcome, not a fragile foundation. This evidence-based approach, based on research with 450 couples, offers a completely different way to understand and cultivate lasting love and healthy relationships.
The Problem with "Falling" in Love
Most of us grew up with what Dr. Nasserzadeh calls the "Submergent Love Model." In this model, two people "fall" in love, become addicted to the dopamine rush of sexual chemistry, lose their sense of self, and become enmeshed. The equation is simple: 1 + 1 = 1.
You know this feeling. It's love at first sight, butterflies in your stomach, thinking about someone constantly, finishing each other's sentences, feeling like you can't live without them. It's the Hollywood version of romance that we've all been sold.
The problem? When this type of love becomes the justification for creating a life together, it often causes problems down the line when the excitement wears off and the couple realizes they don't have enough of the critical elements in common to sustain the relationship.
Here's what's really happening during that intoxicating early phase: your nervous system is being flooded with dopamine, oxytocin, and other chemicals that create intense feelings of passion and attraction. Research shows this chemical cocktail typically lasts about two years. It's essentially a biological mechanism designed to bond people together long enough to reproduce, not necessarily to build a lifetime partnership.
When couples say "our love didn't last" or "I don't feel the butterflies anymore," they're often experiencing the natural end of this chemical phase. And because they believed those butterflies were love, they think love itself has died. This is a common relationship challenge seen in couples therapy.
A Revolutionary Reframe: Love as Outcome, Not Foundation
The Emergent Love Model flips everything upside down. Instead of love being the foundation you build a relationship on, love is seen not as something that precedes commitment and growth, but as something that emerges from them.
Think of it like fire. You don't start with fire and then add logs and sparks. You need the logs, the spark, oxygen, and the right conditions, and when all these elements interact consistently, fire emerges. Take away any element, even for a moment, and the fire goes out.
The same is true for love. When certain essential ingredients are present and interacting consistently within the right context, love emerges as a natural byproduct. The equation becomes: 1 + 1 = 3. Two whole individuals plus the emergent relationship entity they create together.
The Six Essential Ingredients for Emergent Love
Through her extensive research, Dr. Nasserzadeh identified six core ingredients that create the conditions for love to emerge and thrive. These ingredients form the foundation of relationship success and emotional intimacy.
1. Attraction
This goes beyond sexual chemistry. It's about what you genuinely like and value about each other as people. What qualities, characteristics, or attributes draw you to your partner? Attraction in emergent love is multidimensional: it includes intellectual attraction, emotional resonance, aligned values, and yes, physical attraction too.
2. Respect
How do you keep each other's needs and priorities in mind? Respect in relationships means honoring your partner's autonomy, valuing their perspectives even when they differ from yours, and treating their time, energy, and boundaries with consideration. It's the daily practice of seeing your partner as a whole, worthy person.
3. Trust
Do you know that you will show up for each other consistently in the ways that matter? Trust isn't built in grand gestures, it's built in the hundreds of small, reliable moments where you prove to each other that you're dependable, honest, and committed to the relationship.
4. Compassion
Can you honor your partner's emotional experience without making it about you? Compassion requires empathy in relationship, the ability to step into your partner's world and understand their feelings, even when you don't share them. It's about being there for each other emotionally.
5. Shared Vision
Do you have aligned goals and priorities for your life together? This doesn't mean you need to want exactly the same things, but successful couples have overlapping visions for their future. Where are you going together? What are you building? What matters most to both of you?
6. Loving Behaviors
Are you actively demonstrating love through your daily actions? This is where love languages come in, the specific ways you show care, affection, appreciation, and commitment to each other. Love isn't just a feeling; it's something you do consistently.
What Emergent Love Looks Like in Practice
In emergent couples, the partners are independent entities in an interdependent partnership with healthy and clear boundaries. They're connected, but they also maintain their individuality. Neither person loses themselves in the relationship. This is what healthy relationship boundaries look like.
Here's what this means practically:
You have your own interests, friendships, and identity outside the relationship
You support each other's individual growth and goals
You can disagree without it threatening the relationship
You view the relationship itself as a third entity that you both nurture
You're intentional about which ingredients need attention at different life phases
One of Dr. Nasserzadeh's clients beautifully captured this shift: the love that brought them together was a strike of a spark while what they have now is a warm and nurturing fire, a dynamic and ever-growing love that has emerged over time.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
The Emergent Love Model offers couples something the submergent model never could: a roadmap for relationship growth and strengthening intimacy. When you understand that love emerges from these six ingredients, you know exactly where to direct your time, energy, and effort.
Feeling disconnected? Check in on each of the six ingredients. Which ones need attention? Maybe trust has been damaged and needs repair. Maybe your shared vision has become unclear as you've grown and changed. Maybe you've stopped engaging in loving behaviors because you're busy or stressed.
This model also removes the pressure of trying to sustain that initial chemical high. You're not failing if you don't feel butterflies five years in. In fact, what you're experiencing might be something even better: the emergence of a mature, stable, deeply connected love.
Moving from Submergent to Emergent Love
If you recognize yourself in the submergent model—feeling enmeshed, having lost your sense of self, or desperately clinging to fading butterflies—know that it's possible to shift toward emergent love. Improving relationship quality and rebuilding connection is absolutely achievable.
Start by:
Reclaiming your individuality - What parts of yourself have you lost in this relationship? What interests, friendships, or aspects of your identity need to be nurtured?
Assessing the six ingredients - Have an honest conversation with your partner about each ingredient. Where are you strong? Where do you need work?
Creating intentional practices - What daily or weekly behaviors will strengthen each ingredient? This might be regular check-ins, date nights that focus on connection rather than just entertainment, or practices that build trust.
Accepting that love evolves - The love you have at year five won't look like year one. That's not a problem—it's growth.
Love Worth Designing
Dr. Nasserzadeh's work gives us permission to stop waiting for lightning to strike and start intentionally building the love we desire and deserve. Love is a living system that requires continual, intentional nurturing to thrive.
Yes, the early butterflies are exciting. They're also temporary and, frankly, exhausting to maintain. What emergent love offers is something more sustainable, more fulfilling, and ultimately more real: a partnership built on solid ingredients that create the conditions for love to continuously emerge and grow.
The question isn't whether you fell in love. The question is: are you building love?
Interested in learning more about building emergent love in your relationship? As a couples therapist, I work with partners to assess and strengthen the six essential ingredients, helping you create the lasting, thriving relationship you both deserve. Contact me to learn more about couples counseling and relationship coaching.
References:
Nasserzadeh, S. (2024). Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love
Nasserzadeh, S. "The 6 Essential Ingredients of Loving Relationships" (TED Talk)
