Clarity is Kindness: How Hierarchies Can Be Useful in Polyamory
So many people, whether experienced in polyamory and open relationships, or just starting to open up their relationship, come at this from a perspective where practicing hierarchical polyamory is “bad.” And indeed, there is a lot of arguments on various polyamorous podcasts, books, or forums that preach this perspective. But I am here to say, as a sex therapist and couples counselor, that sometimes hierarchies can serve a powerful practical tool for all parties involved in a poly dynamic, the hinge partner (the person connected to two or more partners), pre-existing partners, and any additional partners. When done with transparency and consent, hierarchy isn’t about devaluing anyone, it’s about creating stability, clarity, and realistic expectations. Clarity is kindness.
The Job Metaphor: Understanding Hierarchy in Relationships
Let’s compare relationships to jobs—not a perfect metaphor, but it works surprisingly well.
Many people have a full-time job, their main job—their anchor partner.
Others may also take on a part-time job, similar to a secondary partner.
Some manage two full-time jobs, like two primary partners, but it can be exhausting and requires excellent time and energy management.
If someone already has a full-time job and is applying for a second job, it’s wise to let the new employer know about their existing commitment. Not because the second job isn’t valuable, but because expectations need to be managed. The same applies to relationships.
Clarity is kindness. If you promise both jobs full-time hours but only deliver part-time effort, both employers (or partners) will be frustrated. But if everyone knows the hours and expectations upfront, the arrangement can work beautifully.
This metaphor extends even further:
Tertiary partners can be thought of like hobbies—something joyful and nourishing, even if not the highest priority when life gets busy.
Different partners may also play different roles in one’s life: one may be a domestic partner, another a travel companion, another a source of adventure.
And we see this in friendships too, how different friends can nourish different parts of your life. Some friends are your workout buddies, others your late-night phone call support, others your holiday travel partners. Friends aren’t necessarily “ranked,” but there’s clarity about the role they play in your life.
A good metric as a way to know what level of relationship you have with someone. Let's say you get a job across the country and you plan to move. A primary partner might start looking at jobs in the same city, to move with you. A secondary partner might start looking at flights or train tickets, to visit you. And a tertiary partner might start planning your goodbye party. These are all wonderful people to have in your life, and there is nothing wrong with different people occupying different levels of closeness.
How Hierarchy Can Help Secondary or Tertiary Partners
While hierarchy often sounds like it only benefits the “primary” relationship, it can actually support and protect newer or secondary partners, too.
Here’s how:
Avoiding false promises: They're less likely to expect "full-time" access when you can only offer "part-time" bandwidth.
Predictable scheduling: They can plan their lives knowing certain days or events will default to your primary partner.
Reduced resentment: Misaligned expectations are one of the fastest ways to create hurt feelings; hierarchy helps align those expectations from the start.
Informed decision-making: When additional partners know the limits upfront, they can choose whether the relationship still meets their needs without feeling blindsided later.
In short, additional partners benefit from the honesty that hierarchy demands. It's the difference between taking a new job with a clear part-time contract versus thinking you were hired full-time and finding out later that you're not. Once again: clarity is kindness.
How Hierarchy Can Help the Hinge Partner
The hinge partner is the one who connects multiple relationships and often carries the weight of balancing everyone’s needs. If they over-promise with a new partner, they can start to feel stretched and taxed and tired, over-burdened and under-delivering with expectations. Hierarchies can be functional in multiple ways.
Time and energy management: Being the hinge means you’re the common link between multiple people. A hierarchy gives you a framework for how you divide your bandwidth, so you’re not constantly firefighting scheduling conflicts.
Clear decision-making: If a big life event comes up—moving, job change, family emergency—a hierarchy helps you quickly know whose needs or input get priority in those high-stakes decisions.
Reduced emotional overload: Without clear boundaries, a hinge can easily get stuck in the middle of conflicts or feel pressured to meet everyone’s needs equally. A hierarchy lets you say, “Here’s the structure we agreed on,” which can take the pressure off having to negotiate in the moment.
Relationship sustainability: Burnout is real in polyamory. A hierarchy helps the hinge pace themselves and avoid overcommitment, which ultimately benefits all partners.
The hinge has the important role of managing expectations for both/all of their partners. When the hinge is doing a good job nurturing the relationship and managing expectations, there shouldn't be tension between the metamours. Metamour relationships, when done well, can be really sweet and loving, like meeting someone who has the same niche hobby that you do.
How Hierarchy Can Help Pre-Existing Partners
For the primary partner of the hinge, who may have been in the relationship for years, hierarchies can provide:
Security during change: If you’ve been with the hinge for years and they’re now starting new relationships, a hierarchy can reassure you that your shared commitments—like a home, shared trying together, finances, or parenting—remain top priority.
Predictable access and influence: Knowing you’re the “primary” means you can count on certain levels of time, emotional support, or decision-making involvement. This predictability can reduce jealousy and anxiety.
Protected agreements: A hierarchy often includes explicit agreements around scheduling, holidays, and crisis response. This helps pre-existing partners avoid feeling suddenly displaced by a newer relationship.
Emotional breathing room: Transitioning from monogamy or an open relationship into polyamory can be emotionally intense. A hierarchy can serve as a “training wheels” stage where the pre-existing bond has a protected role while everyone adjusts. Or the hierarchy can exist for years, if it feels sustainable to all parties involved.
Common Criticisms of Hierarchical Polyamory
Of course, hierarchies are not without controversy. Common concerns include:
Power imbalances: The “primary couple” can sometimes exercise disproportionate control over others.
Feeling like a second-class citizen: Secondary partners may feel undervalued or excluded.
Stunted relationship growth: A hierarchy can prevent newer connections from deepening if rules are too rigid.
Unacknowledged privilege: Pre-existing partners often hold invisible advantages simply because they “got there first.”
That said, hierarchy is not inherently harmful. Problems arise when power differences are denied or when agreements are not made transparently. In reality, all relationships contain power dynamics; acknowledging them openly is usually healthier than pretending they don’t exist.
When you choose to enter into a relationship you are creating a private world between you and another person. I'm this monogo-normative world we live in, any level of sharing one's partner with the world is special, as long as there is clarity, security, and the resilience to work through difficult moments and emotions.
Closing Thoughts: Hierarchy as One Tool, Not the Only Way
Polyamory can take many forms—hierarchical, non-hierarchical, or relationship anarchy. The key is not which model you choose, but how you practice it. When hierarchy is done with honesty, self-awareness, self-soothing, compassion, and flexibility, it can thrive. This is what facilitates all the positive parts of polyamory: connection, pleasure, community, personal growth, and a more beautiful interconnected world.
In a world where love is abundant but time is limited, setting relationship boundaries isn’t about limiting love — it’s about respecting everyone involved. Whether you are a hinge, a pre-existing partner, or an additional partner, clearly naming commitments, roles, and capacities is what keeps confusion and resentment to a minimum and allows love to flourish.
