Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: A Therapist’s Guide to Healing with the Atone–Attune–Attach Model
When trust is broken in a relationship—whether through infidelity, emotional betrayal, addiction, misunderstanding, or secrecy—it can feel like the very foundation has crumbled. Partners may wonder: Can we ever come back from this?
The short answer is: yes. But rebuilding trust isn’t about forgetting or “moving on.” It’s about repairing and rebuilding, with intention and emotional presence. One powerful framework I use in my therapy practice is the Atone–Attune–Attach model, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It offers a clear, compassionate roadmap for couples navigating the painful aftermath of betrayal.
Step 1: Atone – Taking Full Responsibility for the Betrayal
Atone is about making space for accountability, grief, and understanding. In this stage, the partner who caused the betrayal must acknowledge the full impact of their actions—without defensiveness, minimization, or rushing to fix things.
This isn’t just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s saying:
“I understand how deeply I hurt you.”
“I take responsibility for the pain I’ve caused.”
“You have every right to your feelings.”
For the betrayed partner, the atonement process helps begin emotional repair. Genuine accountability is essential to feeling safe again. This step often involves answering difficult questions and holding space for the emotional fallout—not just once, but consistently over time.
In therapy, we slow this process down and create a space where both partners can process what happened without falling into reactivity or shame spirals.
Step 2: Attune – Rebuilding Emotional Connection and Safety
After betrayal, emotional safety is shattered. Attunement is the process of learning to listen, empathize, and respond with emotional presence. It’s about understanding your partner’s inner world—and being trustworthy again, not just in action but in emotional presence.
This stage includes:
Emotionally validating your partner’s pain
Showing up with empathy instead of self-protection
Relearning how to talk about difficult feelings in ways that connect rather than divide
Attunement is at the heart of emotionally focused therapy and Gottman Method couples therapy. It helps both partners feel seen and soothed, instead of stuck in cycles of blame or withdrawal.
Therapist insight: Many couples try to “move forward” without attunement. But without rebuilding emotional connection, forgiveness often feels forced, and resentments simmer under the surface.
Step 3: Attach – Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust
Once accountability and emotional safety are re-established, partners can begin the work of rebuilding attachment—the emotional and physical bond between them.
This doesn’t mean jumping back into sex or pretending things are “normal.” It means:
Creating new rituals of connection (like check-ins, date nights, or shared goals)
Gradually reintroducing emotional and physical intimacy in a consensual, pressure-free way
Developing trustworthiness through consistency, transparency, and vulnerability
The Attach phase is where couples begin to feel safe to love again—where they create a new, more honest relationship out of the ashes of the old one.
In therapy, this might look like:
Talking openly about what trust means now
Exploring fears of abandonment or betrayal
Reimagining shared dreams and relationship values
Healing After Betrayal Is Possible
Rebuilding after betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can take—but it’s also one of the most transformational. The Atone–Attune–Attach model gives couples a structured, research-based way to repair, reconnect, and rebuild.
