The Science of Lasting Love: What the Gottmans Teach Us About Strong Relationships
When couples come to couples counseling, one of the most common questions they ask is: Can our relationship really get better? The answer, according to world-renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is yes—and there’s science to back it up.
In their bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Gottmans share research-based strategies for building and maintaining strong, emotionally connected relationships. Their approach, known as the Gottman Method, is widely used in couples therapy for everything from conflict resolution to rebuilding trust.
Whether you’re dating, partnered, married, or somewhere in between, here’s what the Gottmans teach us—and how their tools can help you experience deeper connection and lasting love.
1. Build Love Maps: Stay Emotionally Connected
One of the most foundational principles of the Gottman Method is what they call "Love Maps"—your knowledge of your partner’s inner world. Happy, connected couples regularly stay curious about each other’s thoughts, dreams, and daily experiences.
If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel disconnected, rebuilding your Love Maps can reignite emotional intimacy. Try asking questions like, “What’s been stressing you out this week?” or “What are you looking forward to lately?” These small conversations are the building blocks of emotional connection in long term relationships.
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
A core part of healthy relationship communication is the ability to see and express appreciation for each other. The Gottmans found that couples who actively nurture positive feelings—even during stressful times—are far more likely to stay together.
In couples counseling, I often encourage partners to speak aloud the things they appreciate about each other. It can be as simple as, “Thank you for making dinner,” or “I admire how hard you work.” These moments add to the shared emotional bank account and create a buffer of positivity that helps couples weather conflict.
3. Turn Toward, Not Away
Throughout the day, partners make small bids for attention, affection, or support. These can be verbal (“Hey, look at this!”) or nonverbal (a touch, a glance). The way we respond—by turning toward or away—can determine the overall health of the relationship.
In couples counseling, we work on recognizing and responding to these bids for connection. Turning toward builds trust and emotional intimacy, even in small, everyday interactions.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
In successful relationships, both partners feel heard and respected. The Gottmans emphasize the importance of mutual influence—this is true for heterosexual and homosexual couples.
Letting your partner influence you doesn’t mean losing your voice. It means creating a culture of mutual respect and shared decision-making, which is a key focus in relationship therapy.
5. Solve Solvable Problems
Not all conflict is created equal. According to Gottman research, many couples argue about solvable problems—but how they argue makes all the difference. Using techniques like “gentle startup” (approaching conflict without blaming or criticism), active listening, and compromise can transform the way couples handle disagreements.
These tools are essential in conflict resolution therapy and are often the first step toward restoring peace and connection in a relationship.
6. Manage Perpetual Problems with Understanding
Some issues won’t go away—differences in values, personalities, or long-term goals often surface repeatedly. But that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. The Gottmans encourage couples to talk about the underlying dreams and emotions behind these perpetual problems.
In relationship counseling, we unpack the deeper meaning behind recurring conflicts. This helps couples move from frustration to empathy and compassion, from gridlock to dialogue.
7. Create Shared Meaning
The strongest couples don’t just share a life—they share a vision. Creating rituals of connection, shared values, and long-term goals gives your relationship a sense of purpose beyond the day-to-day.
Whether you’re raising kids, building a business, or just trying to stay connected amidst busy lives, this principle helps create lasting love built on intention and meaning.
Bring These Principles into Your Relationship
The beauty of Gottman Method Couples Therapy is that it’s grounded in decades of research—and it works. You don’t have to guess at what makes a relationship strong; you can learn the tools to create healthy communication, emotional connection, and mutual support. Through therapy, it is possible to have a structured, supportive space to rebuild trust, rediscover connection, and strengthen your relationship.
Works Cited
Gottman, John, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London, Seven Dials An Imprint Of Orion Publishing Group Ltd, 2018.
