You're Human: Attraction is Normal (Yes, Even Outside Your Relationship)

Attraction is not a betrayal.
It’s not a moral failing, a red flag, or a sign that your relationship is broken.
Attraction is simply human.

If you've ever been caught off guard by a spark of desire for someone outside your relationship, you're not alone - and you're not broken. In fact, you're alive. As a sex therapist and relationship counselor, I often remind clients that feeling attraction in relationships is a normal part of being a human being.

Attraction is a natural biological response, rooted in our evolution and shared across the animal kingdom. Our primate cousins, the bonobos, remind us that we are sexual animals, wired for curiosity, connection, and sometimes even multiple attractions. Sexuality, for them, and often for us, is social, relational, and fluid.

So what does it mean if you feel attracted to someone who isn’t your partner?

Actually, not much, at least not by itself. It doesn’t mean you’re unhappy or disloyal. It doesn’t mean your partner is lacking or your relationship is failing. It simply means that your body and nervous system are responding to stimuli around you and doing what they’re designed to do. If you are feeling attraction it simply means that you are alive and in your body.

This is especially important in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. For people practicing ethical non-monogamy (ENM), the understanding that attraction can be expansive is often already built into the relationship agreements. In these partnerships, navigating desire becomes a shared skill: something that’s openly acknowledged rather than feared. Still, desire outside your current dynamic can bring up jealousy, insecurity, and emotional intensity - and that’s normal too.

In monogamous partnerships, attraction to others can feel confusing or even guilt-inducing. Many of us were taught that desire should be exclusive, that if you love one person, you should never want another. But relationship counseling and sex therapy often reveal a different truth: long-term love and sexual exclusivity don’t erase our ability to feel desire for others. The key is how we respond to attraction, not whether we feel it.

In some relationships, it’s even possible to talk about these experiences openly. Within a safe, trusting, and emotionally secure connection, communicating about attraction can deepen emotional intimacy. It can foster more honesty and curiosity—both about each other and about yourselves. In couples therapy, I’ve seen how vulnerability around desire can actually create connection, not distance.

That said, if the idea of telling your partner about your feelings feels terrifying, that’s okay. Not every relationship is ready for that level of transparency, and you're not obligated to share every passing thought. The important thing is this: there is nothing wrong with you for feeling desire. You are not broken. You are not “bad.” You are simply human.

Whether you’re exploring how to manage attraction in a long-term relationship, navigating feelings in non-monogamous dating, or wondering what a passing crush means for your marriage, know this:

Attraction is not a sign of failure. It’s a sign of life.
And with the right tools, communication, and support, you can bring that aliveness into your relationship, in ways that foster closeness, trust, and understanding.